From about Year 10 onwards, I would play the same prank on the newcomers.
Start of the New Year, new batch arrives… They’re nervous. They’re tiny. They’re so innocent and their eyes have that sparkle that denotes such naivete and hope. Ahh… I couldn’t wait to break them.
Now our form teacher was always late. We had to wait for him every day to open up the classroom. We’re all just standing outside, waiting for him to show up.
I’d find an easy target and start talking to them. Start explaining a few things about the school. Cause of my visage I was this helpful senior that dispensed invaluable advice. Then I would begin on my spiel.
"The school was designed in the ’50s and a trend for the builders at the time, as you can see in the older buildings with the colour scheme and the style, is that the doors all had a little "trick" to it. See, if you jiggle the door knob and kick the bottom third of the door, it loosens up the lock mechanics and you can get inside just like that."
Obviously the easy target would not dare to open the door like that. What if it broke? No, they were the bait for the skeptics. Some brat who heard it all and thought they knew everything would go up to me and try to debunk me.
"If you don’t believe me, why don’t you try?"
They’d go up to the door and try it out. Jiggle jiggle. Kick kick.
Well, of course the door wouldn’t open.
BUT HERE’S WHERE THE FUN STARTS
Other kids, now watching this unfold start to take over because the skeptic isn’t “doing it right”. I got a line of Year 9’s jiggling and kicking the door continuously.
I did this every single year. It was good fun. Soon, they’d tire themselves out and I would swoop in and reveal that it was all a lie. OH THE HUMILIATION FOR FALLING
OH HOW THEY FELL
BROKEN ON THEIR FIRST DAY
WHERE DID THE MAGIC GO? THE MYSTERY THAT LAY IN THE SCHOOL HALLS? THE TRUST THEY HELD FOR THEIR SENIORS? I RIPPED IT FROM THEIR TINY LITTLE HEARTS HYAHAHAHAHAHA
I took everything away from them. It was delicious.
When the next year rolled around, the previous students would stand back and watch me work. They knew what was going on now. The innocence I’d steal on their very first day. The moment of corruption. And they let it happen.
High School was a glorious and flourishing time for me.
Back in high school, I always had people asking me to teach them how to draw. Now, anyone with experience knows how this goes. They want to get to your level immediately. They want to know all the tricks and cheat their way into acquiring a skill that you spend years honing in a matter of hours or days.
I got a little fed up so I started to take them on only to mess with them.
I told them to draw circles. Consistently. Perfectly. I had levels of excuses if they asked.
Level 1 excuse - You need to loosen up your wrists. Drawing is all in the wrists.
Level 2 excuse - Training hand-to-eye/eye-to-hand co-ordination
Level 3 excuse - You need to get used to drawing curves or else it doesn’t look natural. This is the easiest and fastest way.
Etc etc… I had lots of excuses
Soon, I had a few “students” who were just drawing circles. Pages and pages of circles.
The next part was to go through and point out all the flaws in their circles. “Lines don’t connect” “Lines overlap” “Wonky” “too small” “too big” “this is an oval” and pretend that it mattered that their circles should be perfect.
A few days pass and they didn’t show progress, of course. But I started to praise them, “See, this is a circle!” and “Good, this is starting to look like somethin’”
For the most part, the sheep didn’t ask questions. At first they did. It was a weird exercise. But after making up a few lies, they took it in and worked diligently. No questions asked after that.
Til I took in the new kid. I started making her draw circles like everyone else. I told her the usual lies. She did her work. She got frustrated over the criticism and asked “WELL CAN YOU DO IT?!”
Shit. Never been asked that before. I lost my composure for a moment and she saw it. Fuck. Gotta smooth this over. I took out a pen and a paper and drew a line of circles. Through pure luck, there wasn’t much wrong with them. She shut up and continued with her circles. Yes, I’m still the Master.
I started to panic, that was a close call. My empire is going to fall at this rate. I’m unprepared. I can’t draw circles like that again.
Gradually, I stepped into the shadows and they soon forgot about drawing circles. They got on the next bandwagon and left. They came back from time to time throughout the year/s to ask for more drawing advice and I said I couldn’t teach them any more if they can’t improve on their circles.
I made it out okay. They still think they have to draw perfect circles (probably. It’s been a few years)
And I’m still held in good regards, more or less.
Although I suppose that part will change as I upload this little story.
Anyways, hope y’all enjoyed that little story.